Testimony of God's Faithfulness
In the Midst of Anxiety
By Michelle Samuelsen
Many of you have already heard my story when I spoke in the service in July and then again during the Advent series. Jay asked if I would be willing to write it up to share my testimony in this forum and I pray that it will be an encouragement and blessing to you. Here is my testimony from July.
Growing up in Kodiak, Alaska, in my family, a strong work ethic, showing no weakness, and hiding your struggles was the unspoken and spoken culture. My dream was to live in the Northwest, work as a nurse, and have a Subaru Outback with a kayak and bike always loaded and ready to go. Another dream was to be a nurse to orphans in Africa. But to simply live in the suburbs of an American city was on my, “I will never…” list. Well, here I am 20 years since I first left home to come to Ohio, and I call my house in Xenia Ohio home. Over the years God has stripped away one idol after another in different seasons of my life. Friendships, my physical ability to move at times, my mental health, my grades one year in college, the stability of what I thought I had back home, etc.
Four years ago Ryan and I were flying back from Seattle for our 10th anniversary. It was an amazing couple of days in my beloved Northwest at a family friend’s house on an island off of Olympia. My heart was full and Ryan and I were anticipating our first flight together with no kids in 6 years. We were ready and armed with books, games, and pillows. The plane was still loading when out of nowhere I was in a complete panic. I was scared and confused. I have flown since I was an infant growing up on an island where we flew for specialty doctor appointments, sports…well everything except daily life. I have flown overseas and back and forth to see family for years. And yet here I was on what was supposed to be a relaxing moment with Ryan that turned into a nightmare. Later I realized I was having a full-on panic attack. It was such a dark moment. Two years later while camping in Michigan I had another one. Between the two, I developed a deep fear of flying and traveling not because I fear being up high or being away, I fear the attacks and whatever I associate could cause another one. I was frustrated and angry. I felt like things I loved were being taken away from me. Traveling and camping are my loves and enjoyment. That is where I used to feel refreshed.
A month ago I was traveling with my oldest brother to Alaska to surprise and celebrate my other brother’s 40th birthday. My husband took time off and watched our 4 kids here so that I could do that. It was a huge gift for not only my brother but also for me. Two days before the trip both of our bathrooms and laundry room flooded and the morning I left they were all gutted. So here I was leaving Ryan homeless with 4 kids. God provided through our house church using Grady’s rental and the house next door. But instead of leaving and enjoying my time and being fully present in Alaska, I was FaceTiming Ryan early in the morning due to time change and talking through all the problems and decisions we needed to make. Seeing all that was on his shoulders was hard, knowing I was not there to help carry the load. There were also some historically hard dynamics in Alaska as well. My heart and mind became consumed with the issues and I was stressed. By the end of the trip, we were camping on a beautiful remote beach near Homer Alaska. Everything I love and miss being in Ohio was there. My brothers and sister-in-law, mountains, ocean, eagles, and living the Alaskan culture. Yet, the first night I lay there in my tent unable to sleep, terrified I would have another panic attack like in Michigan 2 years before. I was overwhelmed with all the hard conversations, and unreconciled dynamics that I felt hopeless in. As my anxiety rose I fought hard to not enter the utter darkness of an attack. I did the breathing, thinking about other things, focal points, praying, and quoting scripture. They helped for a moment but as soon as I would relax the anxiety came rushing back. I finally texted Ryan because I knew at this point in Ohio he would be awake soon. I asked him to pray and told him I was so tired of being broken. I started crying, which I realized was what I needed. I sobbed and grieved all that was broken not only in me but in the people and world around me. In my tears, I told God, “I am broken”. In His special way, He spoke to my heart and said, “Michelle I knew you were broken before you did and I chose you”. I felt a peace go over me where I could breathe and realized so much of my anxiety is built on the lie that I need to be strong, meet people’s expectations and approval, and not show my needs and weaknesses in order to be loved. I was exhausted and confused by the demands of certain people, and nothing I did ever seemed to be enough. But here was the God of the universe who formed me in my mother’s womb. He knew each and every area of weakness in me mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Yet He chose me…to redeem me, restore me, love me, provide for me, know me and be known by me, delight in me, and counsel me. He chose me.
With my eyes off the hurt and overwhelming confusion of the situation, He empowered me to pray, “Lord I am asking You to take away my anxiety, but LORD You have always been faithful and promise to walk through all my dark valleys with me. LORD, even if You allow me to walk into the valley of an attack I trust You are with me.” In the moment I finally stopped fighting and surrendered. I was completely released from my anxiety.
Ironically my natural instinct is to fight and if I go down I am going to be fighting the whole way. But God says, “His ways are not our ways, His ways are so much greater than ours. His thoughts so much higher.” Jesus calls us to come to Him and we will find rest for our souls. For His burden is light and His yoke is easy.” I don’t know what God has for me in the future if anxiety will still be a problem, but what I do know is that I have a Redeemer and Savior who can either deliver and heal me or walk with me through the valley. Paul says that it is in his weaknesses God would be shown strong.
I am an Israelite, quickly and easily forgetting the saving hand that has rescued me again and again. I need to have my false identities and pride broken so that I can be truly free and live and enjoy once again the salvation of the LORD. It was because of those attacks that Ryan and I took steps to get out of some unhealthy situations that we most likely never would have on our own. God used that to breathe life.
Back in the spring Justin offered for us as a church body to share testimonies as a regular practice during the services. I was excited because hearing how God is working in other people’s lives encourages me and causes my heart to worship. Yes God does allow me to walk through times of brokenness and I am thankful for them, for apart from them I would be a far more broken person than I am now. But to be reminded by the encouragement and testimonies of others of who God is….I wonder how much less brokenness and how much more joy we would have as a church body if we testified more often to the saving power and loving-kindness of our God.